The Normalization of Verbal Abuse in Asian Parenting Style
- onceuponageneratio
- Jan 8, 2022
- 4 min read
What is verbal abuse?
Abuse can come in various types and forms. While more people are aware of physical abuse as a form of abuse, we often fail to address verbal abuse and the consequences it can have on its victims. Verbal abuse can be defined as a type of psychological/mental abuse that involves the use of oral, gestured, and written language directed to a victim. Verbal abuse can include the act of harassing, labelling, insulting, scolding, and excessive yelling towards an individual. It can also include the use of derogatory terms as well as the delivery of statements intended to frighten, humiliate, denigrate, or belittle a person.
Parenting in Asian communities
While Asian cultures and parenting styles are not a monolith, there are some distinct and noticeable differences between the parenting styles used in Asian communities versus the ones used in European-American communities. A lot of this is caused by generational abuse, where toxic behaviours and habits are passed down from one generation to the next and are seen as ‘normal’.
Studies have shown that white American families are more likely to adopt authoritative parenting styles which focus on support like praise and control (i.e.setting expectations and moderating limits as the basis of their parenting styles). While Asian families are more likely to adopt authoritarian parenting styles, which focus on low support - like appearing strict, and high control - like tightly monitoring their children.
Hence, Asian parents may appear stricter and lacking in love when compared to white American parents. Asian parents, especially immigrants, believe that control is necessary and pivotal in parenting. To these parents, their strictness is justified because they want to protect their children and want the best for them. Many Asian families have a strict hierarchy with elder members of the family at the top, where little to no dissent is allowed. There are some exceptions to this in Filipino families, where equality is more important among family members.
Nevertheless, elder members of the family are allowed to discipline younger members of the family however they see fit. For example, physical discipline like slapping is more commonly accepted in countries like China than they are in the United States. Verbal abuse, like shouting or demeaning younger ones, is seen as an acceptable response to their behaviour if the elder members of the family disagree with their behaviour or actions.
For example, Chinese families are expected to teach their children how to maintain harmony with others. Because of this, emotional expression is considered harmful to one’s health and relationships, encouraging children to avoid it. Such practices create the context for “saving face.” This value or behaviour is related to shame because it rewards conformity to society’s expectations for propriety and harmony.
Filipino families also use hiya, which refers to “shame” or “sense of propriety,” as a means of creating conformity. Hiya occurs when one fails to meet expectations or acts, in ways that meet with disapproval from family members or others. They are more likely to use shame as a punishment to mold children into their ideal version of people to fit society's norms and expectations.
These unhealthy mindsets are also reinforced by religious ideas and traditional values. For example, Confucius's teachings emphasized filial piety where parents have the absolute right to punish their child as they see fit. This may lead to some parents using unnecessarily harsh punishments from excessive yelling to even physical violence.
It is also common to see Indians talk about how their parents have planned their whole life out for them. It is a running joke in Indian communities that (except for doctors or engineers) Indian parents find the idea of any other profession unacceptable. Another common experience is having your parents constantly compare you to your neighbour’s kids and talk about their accomplishments while shutting you down. While these may be seen as jokes, there is a ring of truth to them and it truly shows how strict and rigid Indian families can be.
Since physically disciplining one’s child is being seen as less and less acceptable all over the world, parents are using verbal abuse as a way to discipline and punish their children. This leads to children being fearful of their parents and finding it difficult to trust/ open up to them. Children may even feel as if their complaints aren’t valid, as their parents have sacrificed so much for them. This is especially common in children of immigrants or families that have broken the cycle of poverty.
Effects this can have-
Many who have grown up in a toxic household and have suffered verbal abuse at the hands of their family grow up to normalise this behaviour and act the same way around their children, continuing the never ending cycle of abuse. These children may also grow up and feel that they are undeserving of love, hence remain emotionally distant from the people in their lives. Some of them have to go through years of counseling to heal their wounds.
Sources:
Comments